I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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