That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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