I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
