she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
