how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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