After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize