Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
