I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
