Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize