Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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