When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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