Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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