He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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