People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
