Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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