seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
