The best revenge is premature balding
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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