After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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