Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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