do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
