i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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