If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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