I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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