I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
