Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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