gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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