Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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