mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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