Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
