my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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