Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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