i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize