Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
