if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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