a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
