i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
