Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
