Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
