Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
