Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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