I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
