I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
