I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
