i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
