Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Dick very happy bro
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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