I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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