He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
