Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
