We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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