strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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