i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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