It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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