life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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