Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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