If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
