Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my phone needs a breathalizer
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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