so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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